Wednesday, December 31, 2014

What Almost Killed You Made You Stronger!!!

Christmas this year was a very emotional holiday. I was surrounded by friends
and family, opening presents and laughing my head off. I tried capturing the
complex thoughts and mixed feelings but words cannot accurately portrait any.
When I started this blog 1.5 years ago, I opened it with my authentic
struggles coming home from the mission. Feelings bewildered, desperately
finding purpose in life, and there I have found the summary of my 2014 experience.

Many of you may remember the unfortunately incident I had earlier this year
with some members and church leaders from my home ward. 
It left me spiritually, emotionally wounded and for a long time I was terrified
that I would never feel the conviction I once had again. I do not glorify this
experience because of the heinous and unnecessary nature of individual’s action. 

This incident forever changes the way I perceive trials and difficult times. God
did not make this happen; not in a million years. He didn’t whisper into the
ears of those individuals telling them to hurt me. 

However, He did let that happen.

He honored individuals agency; till this day, He continues to aid me the love
and support I need for recovery.  I am truly grateful for those who love me,
take me in, and bear with me when I take time to grieve, to be vulnerable.
When I deal with it head on, these brave souls lovingly endure listening to
the cruel details and reassuring me that it’s going to be okay and that I am safe
with them.

I have learned so much about the atonement as I learn about pain. In one of
my favorite talks, the Uses of Adversity, Carlfred Broderick clarified the
purpose of the atonement and reassure necessity to feel all range of
emotions, including pain. “The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against
pain. It is a resource in event of pain, and when that pain comes (and it will
come because we came here on earth to have pain among other things),
when it comes, rejoice that you have a resource to deal with your pain.” 

Suffice to say that I am doing better. I have a great therapist who helps me to
understand the overwhelming feelings I wake up to every day.
I still feel pain, fear, doubts  but I also begin to see hope.

2015 will be an exciting year. In anticipating these amazing opportunities to
come, I am most excited to hope and be courageous again.

“It's not their pain you're afraid of. It's yours, Charles. And as frightening as it
can be, that pain will make you stronger. If you allow yourself to feel it,
embrace it. It will make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It's the
greatest gift we have: to bear their pain without breaking. And it comes from
the most human part of us: hope. Charles, we need you to hope again.”
Professor X, X-men: Days of Future Past


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