Monday, June 10, 2013

On the topic of dating/marriage... a Chinese Mormon woman's experience

Over the years I was involved in numerous conversations (or I should say, being counseled) on the topic of dating/marriage. Below quotes are real accounts from real people.

1. Conversation with my Mormon friends from Utah.
“You know… it’s okay. If it comes, it comes. Don’t just pick someone and get married. It may be better for you if you stay single instead of marrying a guy that is just okay.”

2. Conversation with my bishop in the middle of my temple recommend interview/tithing interview:
“Have you been to any Young Single Adult Activities recently? I encourage you to attend those activities. Continue to be obedient, keep the commandments, and magnify your calling… Sister, I know the time will come. Just be patient and the Lord will bless you.”

3. Conversation with my siblings who are not Mormon when I was dating:
“You are still too young to consider getting married. You should enjoy life! There are so many things out there for you to experience!”

4. Conversation with the sisters (the mother-level) in my homeward who seem show concern for my exaltation:
“Are you dating anyone? You need to go out and meet the brothers. Don’t aim too high. There are so many good, faithful priesthood brothers out there. Be more open-minded. Maybe your “the one” is just right around the corner. See, sister XX went to the so-and-so activity and now she is dating this really nice guy.” 

5. Conversation with some of my young Mormon friends from Hong Kong:
“What? A PhD? You are thinking to get a PhD? You must be kidding me. Your education is going to scare your potential-husband-to-be. You don’t need a PhD to raise the kids.”

The list can go on and on, but I guess it’s already overwhelming enough.

According to these conversations, I am a Chinese Mormon woman that is
1. too old (which I still haven’t reached my 30 yet) to find a husband based on the Utah Mormon culture;
2. lost and do not know where/how to find “the one”;
3. too young to get married according to the Chinese culture;
4. too shy and reluctant, possibly ultimate cause of still being single.
5. too educated, and violets the Chinese and Mormon cultural norm --“men are breadwinners, women are homemakers.”

I thought to myself, “so… I guess I am too old to find a husband, but too young to get married. That’s confusing. People make me feel like I am making a huge mistake when I don’t go to YSA activities. I honestly don’t believe that I will miss “the one” if I don’t go to that particular YSA activity. Can’t I just have the social life of my choice? Am I too shy and reluctant? Not really, it’s just that I am not into any of those making-you-find-the-husband activities designed by people who think that are being helpful for my eternal salvation. And on being too education, do you mean ‘more educated = single = miserable life’, ‘less educated = married = happy life with kids’? I guess my math was not good enough to understand these equations.”

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I wish all of us can understand the underlying wisdom from this simple phrase in relation to the dating/marriage matters. 



  1. God always has a timetable for each of us and I believe that as long as we are doing what were supposed to be doing, things/blessings will come and we are on the right track for exaltation. The most important is our personal relationship with God and we will be guided to where we need to be.