Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Will Ye Also Go Away?

We read in John 6:66-71 where the disciples “went back and
walked no more with him.” The Savior turned around and asked
the twelve, “Will ye also go away?” It is clear that the Savior has
already known the answer but He extended the chance of
reflection (verse 67).

The past weekend was one of the hardest times when my
testimony was challenged. For me, an individual who loves
learning and am super passionate about equality and justice, my
experience shattered my confidence and questioned the very
essence of my conviction of the gospel.

I pulled myself together and was very diplomatic about it knowing
my action would be a reflection of what I believed in. It took all
my strength to restrain myself from doing anything stupid
because of my anger and frustration. Notwithstanding my
calmness, I fought for my dignity and refused to be manipulated
even when my personality, reputation were at stake.

When the shell shock passed, my feelings surfaced. To be
utterly honest with you, I was crushed. The feeling of being
insulted, humiliated, and torn apart by a priesthood leader was
brutal. The anguish was so tremendous that I wanted to cry
every awaking moment. My energy was drained, and I kept
having flash backs of the interview.

I stand with Peter, who responded, “Lord, to whom shall we go?
Thou hast the words of eternal life.”

In an earthly justice sense, I want to clear my name and I want
him to be responsible for all the awful accusations
(without grounds) pounced against me.

But that’s not the way leading to true healing. As much as I want
justice, I have to rely on the atonement to heal the consequence
of other’s misuse of agency. Once again I have chosen to stay in
the Church, not because the condemnations are right or I
support the actions affected me. I stay because I know this is the
restored Church of Jesus Christ. If I hold on, heal, and learn from
this experience, it will be beneficial for my spirituality in a way I
could have never imagined.

“Indeed, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive
experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of
your life—
in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful
injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and
opposition you have ever faced.”
– Elder Jeffrey R. Holland,  “Lessons from Liberty Jail”


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