Romantic Love & Gender Equality

Let’s face the elephant in the room head on.

We don’t speak of gender equality enough isn’t because we are apathetic
but our concern for the price that comes with the discussion.  With so
many misconceptions and extreme groups’ misrepresentations, feminism
is like the F word in many Mormon communities.  

Question 1: Is gender equality opposing traditional family values?

NO, exactly the opposite! Feminism isn’t denying everything feministic or
girly but promoting true respect for both men and women. It emphasizes
on the flexibility (just like The Family Proclamation) and equality.
Harrison & Richards (1996-97) published a study titled “Feminism in the
Light of the Gospel” via BYU Studies explaining the basic branch of
feminism (gender equality) was doctrinally correct. _a

Question 2:  Do I pay a social penalty for believing and embracing gender
quality?

Um.. yes! Think of it in a positive way. Eternal marriage means loving and
working alongside with an imperfect person whom I love and trust
wholeheartedly. I hands down want to be with someone who loves me for
who I am and vice versa. Everyone deserves the right to choose, even for
those who don’t share the same view. But remember too, there are
differences between boldness and boastfulness. Boastfulness isn’t that
likable at all.

Question 3: Are there single guys out there that believe in similar
ideologies?

Absolutely yes!!! It gives me courage to hope for and seek out
opportunities knowing how enchanting, happy, satisfying, exciting, and
fulfilling this type of relationship can be. Throw away the check list and do
not settle for anything less. People who believe in gender equality come 
in different sizes and shapes (culture, ethnicity, age, educational or career
background); and you can never really tell until you have spent time
having in depth conversations and interaction with them. Open up to
opportunities and keep trying! Word of advice, you have to live it yourself
for others to recognize you.

Being a trailblazer is never easy and we are meant to work through
challenging circumstances being the change ourselves. My awesome
institute teacher, Sister Watkins, once shared a counsel she has given to
her daughter. She said, “Make sure you only choose a guy that will swim
through shark infested water to get to you because you’re so worth it.”
The shark infested waters here represents difficulties, obstacles,
weakness, or in a sense the paradigm shift that we are striving to see. If
we are in shark infested ourselves, it will certainly make sense to choose
a fellow swimmer.

Happy swimming everyone!! 

K.D.

a. https://byustudies.byu.edu/showtitle.aspx?title=6384

In response to the General Conference protest: What does equality mean?

Let's set the record straight. I am an average 60% postmodernist as a help
professional, a Chinese woman, and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints a.k.a Mormon. Notice I say average because there are times
when I do lean closer to modernism / postmodernism. One thing that has grounded
me to stay in the middle ground is my testimony of the absolute truth, the restored
gospel, and I know with all my heart that God does exist.

Being a progressive Chinese Mormon woman, I think and do things in a pretty
unorthodox or creative way and one of them is studying gender studies/ feminism.
Feminism is no stranger to me as it falls under the postmodern camp. I hate the
fact that is needed at the first place and the term itself is so stinking misleading.
The whole point of feminism began by recognizing women were unequal comparing
to men thus came forth a movement promoting equality and raising the social
status of women. It is not about women ruling the world or whatsoever.

The key here is being equal doesn’t mean identical. It is in God’s design that
there are 2 genders, male and female. Just like being a parent, you will never treat
your children identically forever but that doesn’t mean that you don’t love them
equally. That pretty much covers the controversial discussion on women seeking
for priesthood ordination.

As a daughter of God, I am empowered by my identity and my potentials being
created after the image of my Father. That includes potentials for intellectual
development, leadership capacity, and opportunity to fulfill them even at this point
without holding the priesthood. I don’t need to seek after what men have to feel
that power and authenticity. Being female is not a secondary gender and it’s time
for a wakeup call for all members of the Church. If there is anything in our culture,
traditions that are not in harmony of with gospel principles, it’s time to change.

That pretty much sums up what I have been asked a lot lately. No, I won’t be
joining the priesthood session broadcast (but I always do watch it online and learn
from it) and I won’t be wearing pants to Church. That doesn’t change the fact I
deserve and still seek equal respect as a female member.

P.s. 5 reasons why I am so into gender studies particularly in the Chinese
Mormon cultural setting

1: My leadership experience and quality depends upon my gender
(Still get played the priesthood card a lot………)

2. When I talk about my desire for a higher education, I am asked
when I will decide to be a mother (even when I’m single.).

3. Girls (LDS) of my age think it’s abominable to be more educated
than their husbands.

4. Someone trying to teach my young women to only date or marry
RM.

5. People comment on the law of chastity as a countermeasure of
sexual assault.

K.D.

You’re so awesome but how come you are still single?

Touché… Haha

Reading the “26, unmarried, and childless” article on
facebook gave me a good laugh. I’m sure you too
have been ambushed with this question before.
Well, probably under some unfortunate
circumstances when you are forced to keep your cool
and smile through the whole awkward conversation.
For some of us on the same boat a little longer, we
have articulated a bunch of diplomatic responses
explaining why that is.

But we don’t have to.

Eternal marriage is more sacred than a merit-based
game. We don’t simply get to save up points by
serving a mission, fulfilling callings in the Church, go
to BYU or do some charity work then achieve to a
certain level when it will magically happen. It is a
combination of doctrinal understanding of
relationship/family/ parenthood, agency of both
parties, and God’s timing. When it hasn’t happened,
it just hasn’t happened yet.

The past 5 months has been a whirl-wind venture. 

I’ve gone from “Ha, I know what my plans and goals
are” to spinning my head in unexpected
circumstances. It’s been rough but things begin to
make sense now. Looking back I wouldn’t trade the
opportunity to be back in Hong Kong for 3 years
(for now) meeting and loving some amazing
people. Simply as being an answer to someone’s
prayer just this week has anchored me back down
knowing I am at the right place, doing the right thing,
and pressing forward.

Whenever my faith gets a little low and
the fear of uncertainty lurking in the shadow,
I often turn to Elder Scott’s quote for solace.
“When those trials are not consequences of
your disobedience, they are evidence that
the Lord feels you are prepared to grow
more. He therefore gives you experiences that
stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion
which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get
you from where you are to where He wants you to be
requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails
discomfort and pain." -- Elder Richard G. Scott

So, I throw away all my yadi-yadi-ya excuses and
brace myself into the exciting reality that
I am 26,
single,
and figuring my life out.

K.D.

“I can’t, I’m Mormon” – The Unconscious Response to Social and Cultural Issues

     Not sure how many of you know about the controversy behind the “I can’t, I’m Mormon” t-shirt. Let me simply explain as the follows: an Ad was pulled in the BYU student newspaper on promoting the “I can’t, I’m Mormon” t-shirt. People at the campus felt uncomfortable about this Ad and complaints were filed. Opposite opinions were found: people from Utah found this slogan metaphorically implied that Mormon are lured for committing sin at the first place, verse people from outside Utah found this slogan useful in putting away temptation from the sinful world.

     I am not intended to give comments to on either opinion, instead, to discuss the many “Mormon Can’t” issues. However, don’t you think we have too much “I can’t, I’m Mormon” moment? It is a bit fuzzy when we say “I can’t” when actually we don’t know the reason behind we say “I can’t”. Have you been in situation that you feel you should not talk about certain issues because it seems like a taboo in the Church? Let’s say, when your friends talk about gay/lesbian issues. How was you feeling?

     Not sure about you folks in the US, but for Chinese, and as Mormons, it seems like we can’t talk about or do the following things: We can’t talk about sex education (talking about sex? No, you will know what to do when it happens). We can’t talk about gay/lesbian issues (Chinese give you a disgusting face and think that you are evil when you talk about gay/lesbian, it’s a taboo here). We can’t talk about depression (You are supposed to be the happiest/blessed Mormon on earth). We can’t openly talk about problems in a marriage (you married in the temple, it’s supposed to be a perfect marriage).

     At first, it is about being a Mormon and can’t do certain things because it might cause us to sin. Now it is about issues and topics we should talk about but we just think that “we can’t” because we are Mormon. My guess is, members think that if we talk about gay/lesbian issue, church members might have the tendency to be gay/lesbian. Or if we talk about sex education, it may cause members to commit sexual sins. Does it make sense? No, not at all.

     The less we talk about issues such as sex/gay/lesbian/depression and many other topics, the more mystical they become. Instead of saying, “I can’t, I’m Mormon”, members of the Church we should be more liberal in learning these social issues. 

G.K.

9/11- Reflection on the Journey of Equality

September 11^th, 2013, I chose to spend the evening at the temple.
No, I too have not forgotten the horrific attack. Thoughts and
emotions brought me back to my sophomore year English class
analyzing Merchant of Venice, the cruel desire of bloodshed in
connection with massacres. The Holocaust, Nanjin (2^nd WW),
Khmer Rouge, June 4^th Tiananmen Square, Mao’s cultural
revolution in China, and Rwandan Genocide left scares on our
history as tragic reminders of what have repeatedly happened when
a group of people with power placed themselves above other
human beings. 

No, I will not forget.

The quest of equality roots deeply in my life. I was 2 years old when I
went on my first public demonstration supporting the students
protesting at Tiananmen Square. I have gritted my teeth through
movies like “Paradise Now”, “Hotel Rwanda”, and “To Live” painfully
understanding the price of freedom. Instead of finishing my last
semester with tons of beach time, I took on the conflict resolution
and intercultural peace-building curriculum studying the conflict of
Israel and Palestine and becoming a mediator.

It matters to me.

The question “How can you avoid being bias?” is often asked of
therapist. Impartiality has never seemed possible to me because
we are inevitably affected by the way we’ve been raised and
educated. Our epistemology serves as a lens which we perceive the
world through it. “Multi-partial” is my goal to seek understanding of
all parties in both micro and macro views. The best way for me to
tackle my bias is to admit it and recognize it. It became crystal clear
as I found myself empathizing a suicide bomber and seeing his
humanity as I watched “Paradise Now”. No, but that does not mean
that I concur with what they do.

What do I do about it?

When I walked in to the temple last night, the weight of uncertainty
struck me hard and my mind was inundated with overwhelming
emotions and questions. A little to my surprise, I did not receive any
answers for myself but becoming a solution for someone else as I
walked out.

That’s the beauty of it.
We love, we learn, and we educate.
We change one heart, one mind at a time.

I wish one day you and I can both see things beyond gender,
ethnicity, culture, religion, and politics.

But before that,
shall we not go on in so great a cause?

K.D.

When Priesthood Meets Chinese Patriarchy

It can be disastrous when priesthood meets Chinese patriarchy. The similarity between these two is as simple as it indicates: both involve men and authority.

Two years ago I had the opportunity to interview several LDS women from Hong Kong for my MA dissertation. I love all these women I interviewed and they gave me great insight of what their lives are as LDS women in Hong Kong. It is interesting to find out by observation that these women seem take themselves distance to the “men” or “priesthood” issues. Most of their responses are “these are the men stuff, they know how to deal with it”. It implicitly implies two reasons for this response, either these women don’t really care (I don’t think so) or they are reluctant in raising their voices when it comes to dealing with the priesthood.

In order to have a better understanding of this, let’s look at the interrelation of priesthood and Chinese patriarchy, especially by looking at their similarities and the misconception. It is commonly perceived that men are the breadwinners of the family in Chinese culture. Chinese women are still subjected to men after the baptism of several waves of feminist movements both in the West and in the East. With this idea, mostly unconsciously, embedded in women’s mind, together with the fact that men hold the priesthood in the Church, it is understandable to a certain degree that why Chinese women are reluctant in raising their voices. Not to say that all women are like that in Hong Kong, but for the matter of fact that “women are subjected to men” in both Chinese family and the Church is still happening, either women unconsciously imbibe this idea to their mind, or men unintentionally promote this idea while practicing the priesthood.

The possible solution is, for both men and women, to seek a better and greater understanding of the priesthood. Let me quote the official definition from the Church. It said the following,

“First, priesthood is the power and authority of God. It has always existed and will continue to exist without end. Through the priesthood, God created and governs the heavens and the earth. Through this power, He exalts His obedient children, bringing to pass ‘the immortality and eternal life of man. Second, in mortality, priesthood is the power and authority that God vies to man to act in all things necessary for the salvation of God’s children. The blessings of the priesthood are available to all who receive the gospel.” (LDS.org/topics)

The above statement clearly explains what priesthood is. Priesthood is not “men’s power”, or a power that shows male domination. As men and women are able to have a better understanding of the priesthood and practicing and using the priesthood righteously, ideally and hopefully those arguments on priesthood would be cleared up. Women will no longer have to think that they are subjected to men because they hold the priesthood and men will no longer use the priesthood to dominate women.

G.K.

Speaking with silence

Nephi’s example has always been the way I navigate my life. In 1 Nephi 4:6-7, he said, “And I was led by the Sprit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless I went forth……”  I have learned to stop asking for justifications or demand to see the outcome but just go and do it. Occasionally, I will get to see mighty miracles and be super thankful for the unexpected guidance and sometimes I have no idea of the reasoning behind neither the prompting nor the effect it may bring. That doesn’t bother me at all.

What bothers me and hurts me the most is people challenging the authenticity and validity of my inspiration and using worldly logic to doubt or even judge my action. That frustration was one of the most difficult lessons I tried learning as a missionary and it is still a patience-testing trial for me at this stage of life. I may seem caving in for not speaking up in this instance but I have chosen my stand a long time ago.

President Boyd K. Packer counseled: “I have learned that strong, impressive spiritual experiences do not come to us very frequently. And when they do, they are generally for our own edification, instruction, or correction. Unless we are called by proper authority to do so, they do not position us to counsel or to correct others. I have come to believe also that it is not wise to continually talk of unusual spiritual experiences. They are to be guarded with care and shared only when the Spirit itself prompts you to use them to the blessing of others” (Ensign, Jan. 1983, 53).

Explaining my revelatory process and describing my promptings in details won’t help because it is not my place to disclose them as a way to prove myself right. It’s neither about scoring points nor taking credits. All I want is being an instrument in His hand and be there and available at the right time with the right skill sets.

Feeling furious last night, I spent my time on a treadmill reflecting my plans and feelings. Instead of telling you exactly what has gone south which inspired this post, I have this calm and feeling of gratitude for people who have been trusting me. My awesome friends with or without a similar ideology/religion have been by my side and never doubting my decisions even when I get absolutely cold feet. Thank you for the inspiring conversations, shared reading materials, and your genuine care.  I think I’ll get through the next 10 months alright :)

K.D.

Career, Dream, Stay-home-mum

I am tired of hearing people proclaiming that mothers should give up their career and stay home to take care of the kids.

You probably will say, “Grace, you are not even a mother yet. You are not in the position to talk about this. You don’t even have kids”.

I don’t care. I am a woman. I can talk about women thing.

There are many discussions and arguments out there on whether women have kids should stay home or continue on their career path. The conclusions of these debates are depended on your backgrounds, your beliefs, and your choices. As for Mormon women, the seemingly, and the most acceptable answer is to be a stay-home-mum. Most articles regarding to this difficult life decision convey a message that there are only two choices: be a stay-home-mum or be a rebel. But take a close look of these articles, they are telling women who are facing this dilemma to think that there is nothing else out there for them besides being a stay-home-mum. Once these women make the decision, the only thing left in their lives is to take care of their kids, stuck at home and do chores. This is not right. These are not the only thing that a woman can do for the rest of her life.

Let me be clear here, there is nothing wrong to be a stay-home-mum or to work full time/part time and take care kids at the same time. No shame or guilt should be involved in your own personal choices. You are responsible to your choice and you know what the best is for you and for your family. My thought on this whole argument is, “Please do not let the word ‘career’ scares and occupies you. When you are dying, you will probably say to yourself ‘I wish I have followed my dream/passion’, rather than ‘I wish I have sacrificed more on my career/job’”.

The society has done a good job in decorating the word “career”. Everyone seems to be urged to find the “dream job” and build their career ever since they were young. When I was in high school, we have to choose either the Art Stream or the Science Stream. For those who choose Science Stream, they are more elite because they will probably be able to get a more professional job, just to name a few, doctors, business person, auditors etc. For those who choose the Art Stream, like me, are put into the category of “the Lost Sheep”. Since I am a Cultural Studies major, I have been asked frequently “So… what are you going to do with your major? What kind of jobs you are going to get?” My reply is “I don’t, I don’t really care what job I am going to get, but I love my major. It’s my passion for life. I have a job that support my daily expenses and I continue to try my best to do what I am passionate about. ”

It sounds a bit out of topic here, but what I want to say to women who are in the dilemma of choosing in between being a stay-home-mum or continuing on the career path, please do not let the word “career” deceive you. You may have to give up your job in order to spend more time to take care of your kids, but you do not have to sacrifice your dream to fulfill that role. Please do not mix up “career” and “dream”. To a certain degree, career is a word that constraints our capacity and ability to fulfill our dreams and develop our talents.

It doesn’t matter how you call it, your dream/your passion/your goal in life. If you are passionate about taking care of kids, go for it! If you are passionate about feminist issues, go for it! If you dream to be a doctor, go for it! I believe we all have something we want to do, some goals that we want to achieve in our lives. Please do not let the world tell you that you have to give up whatever you are doing in order to take care of your kids.

G.K.